January 08, 2007

Put a little more mascara on....

Yesterday the synapses went completely askew, a combination of PMS and the impending anniversary of my father's death, a death that still remains a mystery: for public consumption, a heart attack; within the family, other theories (with evidence) have been advanced. The upshot is, we'll never know. Sixteen years ago, and it feels like yesterday.

No one in my family has brought up the questions, barely have they mentioned losing my dad, in years. To me it's hard, when you miss someone from your life so much, to look at anything from a pragmatic point of view. Particularly given how soon my brother will be a father, and how much I know how excited my dad would have been to be a grandpa, a title I would never have afforded him.

This morning I woke up with tunes from La Cage aux Folle in my head. I suspect at a loud enough volume, they could see my through the day without tears. At first I was particularly struck by the drag queen's view:

When my little road has a few bumps again,
And I need something level to lean upon,
I put on my sling pumps again,
And wham! This ugly duckling is a swan!
So when my spirit starts to sag,
I hustle out my highest drag,
And put a little more mascara on.

Perhaps that is the true purpose of the cosmetics industry: just to add a little cheer, to make us all think we can be, as it were, Queen for a Day, or a reasonable fascimile thereof.

Farther into Jerry Herman's lyrics comes the bittersweet "The Best of Times is Now":

The best of times is now.
What's left of Summer
But a faded rose?
The best of times is now.
As for tomorrow,
Well, who knows? Who knows? Who knows?
So hold this moment fast,
And live and love
As hard as you know how.
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now,
Is now, is now.

Lyrics to live by. Or at least give me a different perspective to look through my solopsistic, drug-added lenses.

As Anne Sexton wrote:

"I say Live, Live because of the sun, the dream, the excitable gift."

I don't know if these quotations will stop my tears completely, but it can't hurt to try to focus on their meaning.

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Blogger The Misanthrope said...

I truly wish I had the words to help you through those tough days. I read this and think someday or any day, my daughter could feel the same as you and that tears me up. I so want to make it that she can move forward in a most positive way. I think that is what any good parent wants for their child.

I wonder if a father daughter bond is stronger than a mother son bond?

10:32 PM  

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